You’re Not “Crazy”

I had a family emergency tonight. My grandma was having an anxiety attack and she wasn’t too keen on being alone. My mom had a lot on her plate, so I told her I would pick up my uncle and that we would go check on everything. I drove my uncle to my grandma’s, back to his house, to get food and then back to my grandma’s. We spent quite a bit of time together and had a few good conversations. I bought him food and I talked to him about his mental illness.

My uncle was diagnosed with schizophrenia awhile back. I was always told that he was crazy and my family just made it seem as if it wasn’t a big deal. I never really thought of him seriously when I was little. As I have gotten older, I’ve made my own opinions about certain things and I’ve realized that it’s not him at all. He is a person and having schizophrenia doesn’t diminish that, if anything, I know it makes going on harder for him.

We had a talk and he talks so highly about me. He told me that he can see that my heart is pure. And I told him that being schizophrenic isn’t his fault. It makes him stronger and even if it is hard at times, I know he’ll get through it. Getting to talk to him meant so much to me. He even said that he’s lucky to have me as a niece (insert an ugly cry here). It sounds so minuscule, but I’m so proud of my progress. This is all a sign that I’m where I need to be and that I’m on the right track.

This is also a time for me to tell anyone and everyone that having a mental illness makes you less of a person. The right people will get it. The right people will help you and be there. Everything comes in good time. You are strong and powerful. You have the ability to continue living, and if you feel like you don’t–please reach out to some. Tell someone that you are struggling. Get in contact with someone that can help you. I am also here to help, if you have no idea where to start. You’re stronger than your demons. Be valiant.

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It Was Real.

It was real.

Do you want to know how I know?

Because I’m not mad at you.

I don’t think I really ever was.

It was real.

Because you hurt me,

Yet, I still believe in you.

I still paint you in the most wonderful light.

It was real.

I know, because I felt it when I laid next to you.

I felt it when I looked in your eyes,

When you held my hand.

It was real,

And don’t you dare pretend that it wasn’t,

Because I know you felt it too.

I Know I’ll Be Okay

It’s been a few weeks since things have “ended,” though, that’s not to say that we won’t find our way back to each other. I miss you like crazy. I crave your touch–your presence. I miss being in your arms and the kisses you’d randomly plant on my head, cheek, and neck. I miss how Could turnover and just see your smiling face. My heart is empty. I just miss late nights in my car with you. You said we needed to be friends first, but we aren’t even that. You barely say two words to me. I lost you. I feel seasick.. and I don’t think that I will ever get off this boat. I don’t dare look over the edge, and I don’t dare move from my spot. Because it’s not that I have forgotten to live without you, it is that you simply aren’t here anymore.


So, I had started writing this a couple days ago and then I made a drastic 180. I realized why you were acting the way you were acting. You are still developing, still growing (we all are but you know). Your frontal lobe is still being developed, so things are a bit blurry for you. You cannot commit, and you cannot see the most obvious things. This also has something to d with you being a boy and being oblivious. This is why you are doing things that do not make sense to me. Though I know this does not completely excuse your actions, it is helpful for me to finally have a glimpse of what is going on with you, though I am aware that there is more to this. I still miss you from time to time. I miss lying with you, feeling your arms wrapped around me. I miss being close to you, and your hugs. I miss being able to vent to you about any and everything. I miss so much, but I have to remind myself that it was your choice. Tomorrow will be one month. and I feel as though it has been one year.  I’m still here, in case you ever realize that you made a mistake and that you were wrong.

Our time will come….

I Treated You Like an Angel

I just want to start this off by saying that you are a beautiful person. You may not see it, but you are.

I can see you.. I can see who you are.

You are caring and selfless and intentional. Your presence is so uplifting and you are amusing. Your smile is unforgettable and I love that it lights up your entire face. Your faith is something that I admire. You haven’t given up on me, and I know that you are always here for me. I cannot express how thankful I am for your help. You say that you aren’t good looking, but you are. And no–it’s not “the dimples.” It’s who you are. Don’t ever doubt yourself. You make me want to be a better person and wanting me to be more positive. You give me a sense of hope and optimism.

You may not see yourself the way that I see you, and you may not know who you are, but I do.

I don’t want to fix you, because I know I can’t. I just want to help alleviate some of the hurt you feel. I just want to make you feel better and be there to comfort you. I want to hold your hand while you walk through life. I understand wanting to take things slow and to make sure that we have a solid foundation. I admire you for wanting to better yourself. You are good and you make me want to be a better person. I strive to be better everyday. You haven’t tried to fix me, or try to brush my problems away; you’ve been by my side, holding my hand. You have supported me and been a listening ear since the beginning.

—-

I wrote this awhile back, in hopes of our journey continuing and the naivety that you had good intentions. I may have only known you for a short amount of time, but you will always have the title as “My Favorite Person.” You may not know who you are right now, but I promise that the person you want to be is around the corner. I hope you find what you’re looking for and I hope you achieve the thinks you set out to do. Life isn’t easy, but I’m glad that you made it a little more bearable by just holding my hand. I’m sorry you wouldn’t let me do the same for you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t what you wanted.

Just a Little Something

Hi, I’m sorry for being inactive. College is crazy, and I’ve just needed some time to myself. It’s been a very busy past few weeks.

I’m currently working on getting myself together and passing my classes. And just on myself, emotionally.

So.. here’s a poem because I don’t have an update for you guys…

 He was calm, cool, and collected

 I was hotheaded, stubborn and aggressive.

 I guess he couldn’t take the heat.

    — I’m a fire, you can’t put me out.

Soon, you’ll be a memory.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself

that you aren’t the one

and that you hurt me,

because it’s very easy for my heart to

believe in you and believe in us

but my head reminds me that

you weren’t as good as you may seem

and that you made me doubt my worth.

And I realize that if it was you,

you wouldn’t have hurt me the way you did

and you wouldn’t have

left things

the way you did.

A Conversation with my Counselor

Jack: “Your friends— do they know about your life and what you’ve been through.”

Me: “It depends, they each know bits and pieces.”

Jack: “So they know only what you want them to know.”

Me: “Not necessarily, it’s more like what helps them understand who I am and what I cam from.”

Jack: “So, who’s knows everything?”

Me: “Me.”

Jack: “Who knows the most?”

Me: “You.”

Jack: “Are there things you haven’t told me?”

Me: “Yes.”

My counselor is the most patient and caring man that money can buy (seriously). But when we had this conversation, I could see a part of him hurt.. The look on his face said it all.

An Open Letter to my Ex-Best Friend

Dear Ex-Best Friend,

I’ve written this many times and each time a new emotional is unveiled– Let’s face it, you were my friend out of convenience and spite. But I was your friend because I enjoyed your company and we had fun together, whether it was long car rides home or just making jokes in our 8 AMs to keep us awake. You slowly crept your way into my life and became the one person whom I felt I could tell anything to. You were my friend because I was blind and I didn’t see that you used me to make your “best friend” jealous– you know the one.

I have tried to figure out for so long why you did what you did. Because the amount of embarrassment I felt can never be fathomed and neither can the hurt. Your “apology” shouldn’t be categorized as an apology, because it wasn’t genuine.. you made me out to be the wolf in sheep’s clothing when it was you all along. You didn’t realize the emotional abuse I was a victim to, or how many things you once said still haunt my dreams. I know I shouldn’t let you know, but I now have a hard time trusting people and letting things go now. You did a number on me and I’m barely starting to get better.

I can’t help but think that you did this as a way out.. a way to leave and not be a disappointment. It was the easy way for you. I didn’t deserve to be left, because I was there for you for so long and I helped you through so much.. and why I received an excuse rather than an apology.. I will never understand, but I believe it’s a blessing in disguise.

You painted me as the bad guy, and I let you, because if it took you slandering my name to make you feel better, then so be it. I figured that the ones who knew the real me would know that anything you said was a lie and if they didn’t, they never were my friend.

There is absolutely NO excuse for turning your back on me when I was one of the handful of people that cared about you. That’s not to say I haven’t forgiven you, because I wouldn’t be writing this letter if I hadn’t. I let go for me, because it did no good to hold on to anger and betrayal.. letting go felt so amazing.

Still, I hope you find a way to be yourself someday.. you need to love yourself and not let your worth depend on if a boy loves you or any of the material things that you possess. You are amazing, beautiful, funny, attentive and generous.. Things will turn around for you and one day you will make someone very happy. Enjoy your life as it is now, because that someone will come in due time!!!

I think back on all of our memories, like when I made you laugh so hard you had to puke.. or when you cried in the shower for hours over your “best friend” betraying you. Remember all the fun we had doing face masks and staying up until 4 AM binge watching shows on Netflix?

This is my final goodbye. You were my best friend and I miss you everyday, but no one will hold a candle to me and my worth. I will not let someone destroy me the way you did. I have to remember that the person I took a bullet for was the one that shot me.

If you’re reading this..

Hello, and welcome to my blog.

I’m going to keep my identity anonymous, if that’s okay (and if it’s not, I’m sorry). I’m a young woman in America, dealing with life in college and everything else that living in today’s world entails. I really hope someone is reading this and I’m not just taking to myself. Though, I guess that would be okay, as long as I have an outlet, a place I can use as a brain dump. I need a place to express my feelings and let things go. I have recently found a love for poetry and it’s completely different than what I’m my major is.. so this will help tell me figure out if writing is actually what I want to do. That’s pretty much the gist of this.. I can’t promise things will be happy or that my writing will be exquisite, but it’s worth a shot.. Also, I will take about a lot of personal things, so I’m warning you now that things may get a bit depressing. You’ve been warned. **Names have been changed.**